Recovery, Ahhhhhhhhhh

With Bangkok now behind us I did what any self respecting person who has been on holiday is wanton to do, relax. And relax I did.

I seem to recall doing little other than catching up on my internets and eating any manner of junk food I could find. This post may be lacking in depth but it makes up for it in shear honesty!

Now with this restful period behind us its time for some more kickass adventures, wooooooooooooo!

Bangkok comes to an end :(

Light streamed through the window on our final day in Bangkok. Our plane was due to leave in the late afternoon giving us a morning to look around Bangkok. We heard from a friend that the Chatuchat market that only ran on weekends was the perfect place for some low budget shopping so off we trekked.

The one thing up to this point that we were remised to have not tried was the Tuk-tuk, but thankfully the hotel had one which they used to ferry people to the main road. After getting someone to give us a lift to the station we set off in the Tuk-tuk. Now, we were only going down the street and it still managed to feel completely unsafe, thank god we chose not to take one through the much more crowded tourist section of the city.

We now had this whole navigation thing down so found ourselves dropped off at the market gates with much of the morning still available for shopping! This market was huge and I don't think we managed to see it all and that was with us walking most of the time, so many shops, and so many pet shops. Once we strayed into animal territory we saw tonnes of puppies of every breed in the handbag category along with a fair few labradors. It was tough prying ourselves away from all the pretty pretty animals but there was no chance we would be buying any so it was only just a sense of "aw how cute, look at their little paws, awwwwwwwwww!".

Several presents were bought and drinks were consumed in quantity; thankfully the market was covered meaning we didn't have to expose ourselves to the ravages of UV but it did get quite hot under all the covers, hence the drinks...

It was during this time of liquid refreshment that we came across teh tarik, which to the layman is pull tea; and to clarify things further it is performed in a way which seems to defy gravity with its awesomeness! Apparently Lena had been trying to find someone who could perform this the whole time we were in Malaysia, only took a month :).

Having wandered around for most of the morning we went back to the hotel and picked up the bags and took a taxi back to the train station where we caught our SUPER useful express train to the terminal. It was at this point that I was starting to get a little sick of airports, I was starting to wonder how George Clooney did it in 'Up In The Air', but I am going off on a tangent. Airports. The Thailand International Airport was pretty kick-ass with lots of places to eat but due to our awesome budgeting skills (LOL) we only had a few baht with which to buy food. We managed to settle on a place which somehow offered food almost 10 times cheaper than anywhere else and was somehow not being inundated with backpackers, trey confused! (feel free to say that last part in a French accent, I know I did).

3 hours later we were back in sweet sweet KL, just had to negotiate immigration which was fast becoming my own personal hell. As I was queuing up some fat arse-hole pushed his way through all the barriers by disconnecting the snap barriers and then yelling at people as they didn't immediately move to the newly opened spot. I was trying to keep composed, immigration tends to frown on a full on brawl in their lobby...

Another day in the airport done!

Grand Palace, now with Scams

With a few tours of the city under our belt we felt that it was our turn to have a go at it on our own; Lena & Jack: Gone Rogue. With visions of ourselves passing out on the street due to a combination of exhaustion and mall nutrition we decided to stock up at breakfast with a VAST meal.

As we were once again up early we had the foyer to ourselves, pretty much, so were able to run wild when getting our food. There was so much that I felt a table for 4 wouldn't be sufficient for holding it all. Upon cramming the last morsel of food down my throat and waddling out of the door we made our way to the bus stop to take us into the city tourist area. Feeling like we had the bus thing down we followed our route through the city, and unsurprisingly we felt we were able to see more of the cities sites this way compared to the tour we had taken a couple of days ago.

As we made our way across the river we decided to jump off a little bit early and wander into the main section on our own; in my eyes this proved to be more of a hassle than it was worth. No sooner had we disembarked than a "kind" man came up to us and offered us some help. Apparently the kings mother had died and the Grand Palace was now closed off to only Thai's so that they may pay their respects, it would open at 3pm; don't worry though, there was another tour of other temples they could help us with. It was at this point we started to call bullshit. If we made sure to get into a white topped tuk-tuk we would be safe and not ripped off. At that exact moment a white topped tuk-tuk appeared and the man offered to take us to a whole collection of temples for 20 baht, a steal! They had justification for this, as the kings mother was dead they were helping out tuk-tuk drivers by giving them all free petrol for today only, so act fast to avoid being ripped off by others.

If we were suspicious of being ripped off before, we were now certain of it; no country would willingly give away free petrol unless they have some unregulated brain injury. As a clincher we had been warned about this type of activity on that ripoff tour a couple of days ago; now as much as I hated the treatment of me and Lena on that day they did offer some sound advice, "if anyone offers a tuk-tuk for less than 100 baht they are trying to scam you". I feel like this sentiment could be extended to, "if ANYONE in Bangkok talks to you whom you don't know they are trying to scam you".

When the tuk-tuk driver finally twigged that we weren't going to use his services he got irate, finally calling us stupid for passing up such a great deal. No sooner had we rounded the corner on our way to the Giant Swing we saw that "kind" old man talking to a whole group of white topped tuk-tuk drivers; the git had the cheek to smile at us as we walked past.

Feeling rightly smug that we had thwarted the first, would-be scammer we set off with our heads held high and map in hand. Now I didn't realise this but apparently being white in Bangkok with a map out is like having a bullseye painted on your head. We had barely made it 500m before another "friendly" tuk-tuk driver parked next to us offering us some help; once again things turned ugly when he found there would be no fare today, Lena bravely returning his crude English swearing whilst I stood there and store back stone faced.

On our way to the Giant Swing this happened once more, this time the guy was being grade A retarded. I'm not sure if the That people have a poor impression of foreigners intelligence or they don't just get more retarded the further into the pollution you go. We could literally SEE the swing, no walls, no barriers, just a monument in the open and this guy was trying to convince us it was closed to foreigners until 3pm. This was getting old.

The swing itself was a little more disappointing than Lena had imagined. God bless her she had envisioned an actual 20m tall swing that people could literally swing on. In reality the swing was just a monument that sat in the middle of roundabout near to another temple. Moving on from the swing we made our way towards the Grand Palace, hoping to avoid more annoying scammers, this was not to be. I foolish didn't memorise the map before leaving the hotel meaning I had to occasionally confirm street names and get us on the right track, I wasn't doing too badly as well. Like a lion looking hungrily at a gazelle I imagine I made some scammers day, giant white boy with map looking lost; perfect. Unfortunately I was too strong for their scammer-fu, we were just saying thank you and walking right past anyone that was willing to talk to us.

Horrah! We made it to the perimeter of the Grand Palace but alas there was no obvious way to get in. To the uninitiated the Grand Palace is huuuuuuggggggggeeeee, and having to walk the perimeter was no easy feat in the midday sun. This did not deter scammers from trying their same tricks mere meters from the Palace itself. The longer we walked around the perimeter the more we started to believe that we wouldn't get in and that the scammers were in fact right; how weak of us.

Scammers were operating within a few hundred metres of the main entrance and were dressed like proper guides, and sporting the numbers for the tourist police; as if this act of honesty was somehow meant to make their words any less bullshit. I have to admire the balls to pull of this stunt: mere metres from the entrance; wearing fake tourist police uniform; standing next to an armed guard of the Grand Palace; telling us we wouldn't get in despite the stream of people clearly moving into the Palace.

With the scammers now behind us we moved into Palace and were told Lena would need to cover her legs as a sign of respect. The Grand Palace thoughtfully provided a service where we could hire clothes for this but AMAZINGLY people were trying to scam us here as well, the goddamn staff! We were told there would be a 1 hour wait (lies) and that we could hire the clothes across the road for 30 baht. A mere 10 minutes later Lena and I were wandering towards the inner section of the temple, feeling safe in the knowledge that there couldn't POSSIBLY be any more scammers within the temple.

After all the build-up of getting into the Palace the actual place itself cannot really compete. A massive collection of photos taken by Lena, myself, and kind passersby paint a wonderful portrait of the palace and all the various different sections of it. The pictures also show it to be beautifully brightly, this is due entirely to us showing up at the hottest time of the day when everyone else was wandering around the Palace jumping between shade like a collection of brave vampires.

Having spent a few hours wandering around the Palace taking in all of the olden beauties, shiny buildings and UV we moved off from the Grand Palace with the intention of catching a river boat down towards chinatown. On the way we sampled some hawker food and drink. It was as we were wandering around, slightly lost, we were approached by someone offering us to go and see a free museum. Being as cautious as ever we were presently surprised to find it was on the up and up. The wonderfully kept, and air-conditioned, museum told the history of Thailand and how it had amazingly avoided invasion during a time in Asia when you could pop out for breakfast and find a new government in place when you returned.

Feeling slightly better about our fellow man we headed off with fresh directions and a purpose; river bus. Although trying to find the river bus amongst the far more extortionate river taxi's was proving to be slightly more difficult, but after asking someone who wasn't approaching us first we managed to find the right place. Cruising down the river was wonderful, with the wind in our hair and soothing our obvious sunburn we relaxed as we waited for our stop.

Stepping off into chinatown was quite interesting, as we were nowhere near. To add to this chinatown didn't open until 6pm, so we were left to wander around the streets of chinatown for a few hours sampling bits and pieces where people had opened early. It was at this point that Lena decided it was time for a proper Thai massage, something I wasn't really interested in. For the next hour Lena was bent, twisted, and massaged in ways that would normally be reserved for pretzels; whilst all of this was going on I had my feet up downstairs being served tea by the owner of the place :). Once again we stepped bleary eyed into the dark streets of Bangkok, chinatown was really open and in full swing. We sampled some octopus skewers on our way out, the heat had finally gotten to the both of us and we just wanted to cool down.

Getting back proved much more simple than the last time; I was finally getting acquainted with the streets, shame we were leaving tomorrow. When stepping through the threshold of the hotel we just stood and admired the air conditioning for a few moments before settling for a couple of hours in the pool. It was whilst in the pool that I discovered I had the mother of all blisters, a punishment for wandering the streets for far too long...

Motherf**king Elephants!

This morning we returned to our roots, having been treated to a thoroughly splendid first night at the hands of the man running tours out of the lobby we decided that we would return to him after a slightly disappointing tour at the hands of the "professionals'; take note those air quotes were said in my head with a healthy dose of sarcasm.

Breakfast was large and filling, keeping us sated for much of the day. First stop on the tour was the floating market Thailand was famous for; being quite far out from the city itself the addition of a tour guide was a definite necessity. After a long car ride we were deposited in a tourist oasis in the middle of what appeared to be nowhere. The floating market consisted of a stretch of water littered with stalls on either side that was negotiated by an old lady; it felt a lot like the Cam in many ways, except with many more people trying to sell you stuff.

Now while we were on this river I managed to display a fine masterclass of haggling; people would speak of my accomplishment for generations! What great feat did I achieve you ask expectantly; I talked a woman down to 20% of her asking price, I... AM... A... GOD. Or far more believably is that the prices are so ridiculously overinflated here that if they were to ever sell something at that price they would be set for quite some time. After being whisked around the whole market in 45 minutes we were able to stroll along the riverside market where everything was suspiciously much cheaper despite being identical, what is this trickery?

As a spectacle the floating market was well worth it, but as a place of business it was severely overpriced. I still have no idea how they find people gullible enough to buy things there. As we were leaving it was revealed to us that the products being sold had all been bought in Bangkok and brought out to the river to be sold on to gullible tourists who didn't have the luxury to be able to walk away at will.

Shortly after realising that purchases made at the floating market would not be a wise choice we moved onto our next stop of the day; ELEPHANTS! Not too far from the floating market we pulled into another nondescript place which seemed to exist solely to entertain tourists. As we parked all we could see were elephants with little chairs on their backs.

After payment was made we clambered aboard the elephant and off we went. As we walked off we found out our elephant was called Patsup and our herder was called Jack; this I took to be fate! The further into the trail we went the fewer elephants we saw which is probably what prompted our herder to do what he did next. Jack offered us the chance to sit on the elephant for real, without the addition of a harness, being a little apprehensive Lena took the chance to go first. With our herder now walking on the ground and taking pictures for us Lena was free to sit on Patsup's head. After seeing how much fun it was and thinking I would be a fool for passing up such an opportunity I took my turn. Moments later I had one of the largest land animals betwixt my thighs, my feet nestled safely behind his ears. Apparently my positioning was not sitting well with Patsup who with a quick trunk grasp repositioned my foot to a more suitable location for the both of us. It was at that point I realised how easily the elephant could repurpose me as a flail but chose against it for whatever reasons, or moral code, the elephant might have. This was easily the highlight of the day, if not the trip to Bangkok.

With the ride coming to an end we were off, not before helping ourselves to some cold water provided for another group, mwahahahahahaha. And just like that Jack and Lena, master thieves, were off to their next location (I imagine us as the Asian equivalent to Bonnie and Clyde).

The next stop on our tour was not one that we agreed upon but seeing as we were a bit ahead of schedule our guide thought we might like to see some really kick ass temple out on the outskirts of Bangkok, its this type of treatment which elevated this guy above the vultures of yesterday. The temple was a little quieter than those we had seen previously, the buddhas were under renovation so tarps and scaffolding were rife but the beautiful temple itself and the gorgeous glazed tiles were in pristine condition. In addition to all this the temple grounds seemed to house a superb collection of trees from across the world with each trunk sporting an identification tag.

The detour proved to be a worthwhile one with some stellar photos taken, upon our return to the car we found that our guide had bought us some bamboo rice which had been soaked in coconut milk and cooked over a fire in the middle of the jungle, it was given to us in the bamboo it had been cooked in! The rice was quite starchy, very sweet, and generally delicious; I wish there had been more in each stick!

With our detour over we made our way to the final location for the day; The Rose Gardens. The place is a popular tourist attraction with large grounds covered with authentic Thai houses and showing people the way of life in the days of old. As we arrived the heat of the day was approaching its worst so we took some time out to try some of Thailand's desserts to try and cool down. The main ingredient I have found in most desserts in SE Asia seem to include ice and it was no different here. Using a combination of jack fruit, jellies and ice they managed to create a refreshing dessert that provided us with newfound energy, off into the gardens we strolled.

The houses themselves were very nice and well maintained, just would have been nice if we could have actually seen them up close. Either the houses are occupied in which case they are superbly maintained considering their constant use or they are laying there for people to photograph. This raises the question why would anyone willingly live inside a tourist attraction? With that question working its way into my skull we found ourselves slightly lost within the grounds, but the beauty of the place kind of diminished any sense of worry. We soon found ourselves back where we started and just in time for a cultural show and elephant dance. Now, had we visited the gardens before the elephant ride I would have been jealous of the herders getting to play with the elephants, but as it stood I found myself relishing in a sense of smug satisfaction that I got to ride on on of them; boom! Suck it, everyone else.

After smugly watching some elephants we moved onto the highlight of the Rose Gardens; the cultural show. For the next hour we got to see a cross section of Thai culture dating back hundreds of years, some of the best parts were demonstrations of Muay Thai and other fighting styles performed in Thailand. There was of course some flair thrown in by those performing but for the most part it was really entertaining with a bit of audience participation at the end, which Lena dutifully joined in with.

With the tour for the day done we returned to the hotel to assess just how badly burnt we had gotten during the day. Being as white as I am all the burnt sections came across as a nice shade of red. A dip in the pool was definitely on the cards. Not being a fan of aftersun, it makes me feel far too oily, we instead opted to take some of the heat of our sunburn by taking a nice long dip in the shielded pool. Away from prying eyes and destructive UV we regained a uniform body temperature... mostly. To the touch we were still red hot but that would be over soon enough, some peeling should see to that!

With our bodies now in a state of semi-cooked(ness) we felt it was time we consumed some cooked foods instead of becoming them. Up to this point Lena had been the one working the connections in SE Asia but I had something up my sleeve; a friend from my MET course back home was Thai and happened to be working in Bangkok during the summer so we agreed to meet up for dinner and drinks. Having not had much luck getting truly authentic Thai cuisine so far Mart (my mate) took us to an authentic Thai restaurant.

Stepping out from the Mini Sports Car we ascended the steps to a non-descript looking restaurant that proved to be tastefully decorated and exuded a sense of poshness (which is apparently a word, who knew!). We started with a small aperitif served entirely on a spoon, which introduced us to a taste that would be quite prevalent throughout the rest of the cooking; lemongrass. The taste is quite refreshing and is a theme running through a lot of Thai cuisine (I have to say I'm guessing this :) ). The next thing to arrive was an assortment of brightly coloured bite sized morsels which all had their own distinct fillings but all proved delicious, and served to wet our appetites. The main meal was a mixture of chicken curry, fish cakes, soup and a noodle dish. All were delightful and offered distinctively different flavours to those experience elsewhere in Asia.

After dinner Mart took us for a drink in a hotel bar called the long table. It offered an open air bar many floors above the ground. The real clincher for making the place brilliant was the stupendous view of the Bangkok skyline at night; full of colour and bright lights it served to remind us that the place seemed to seldom sleep.

Temple Tours & Platinum Mall

Waking up early when on holiday, urghhhh. Even so the alarm bells were ringing and we had a day to get on with. The tour we booked with the travel company at the airport was meant to be picking us up at around 9am so we felt it was in our best interests to be down and having breakfast by 8am, yay.

The continental buffet breakfast wasn't exactly varied but you could have as much as you wanted and we appeared to be the only people there, so the less the better! Settling down to munching we were approached by the guy who took us out on our tours yesterday, he had brought us some Thai satay sticks to have with our breakfast, all free and all delicious. Everything started to seem too good to be true, and we were about to find that out with the tour. I am going to say now that the tour was by no means bad it just felt incredibly rushed and this was topped off when our guide told us to meet us back at the car for a certain time, and she smiled as she said that if we were late they weren't waiting, bitch!

Well back to the start. We were picked up late by 15mins from the hotel but at least we were in a nice air conditioned car. As we pulled out from the hotel our guide turned round and proceeded to talk to us in clear english giving us some information as we went on our way to our first temple situated in the touristy centre of Bangkok. It was during this exchange that we realised we were conned leaving the airport, not by the travel agent, but by the trains! We paid 300 Baht (about £6) for 2 people return, but we discovered that there was an alternative to the express train for a total of 180 Baht; the discriminating factor between the 2 lines? The express got you to the airport an extra 15mins early, whoop de freaking doo!

Well as I was reeling from the robbery we approached our first temple, Wat Traimit. To the uninitiated the word wat means temple in Thai and is uttered about as commonly as the word 'the' as they have so many of the things throughout the country. The sun was baking and I could feel my skin protesting beneath my shirt, let alone the exposed stuff! The temple itself was pretty impressive and swarming with tourists, the main reason this seemingly average looking buddha got its own place was the fact it was constructed from solid gold. Apparently at the time of some invasion the buddha was covered in plaster to avoid robbers and subsequently misplaced amongst all the others, whoops... When they found out to due to some spectacularly careless removal men they decided an upgrade of temple was in order.

Leaving the place we kind of felt we were going to get a little shafted on this tour as it didn't seem all THAT impressive, this was swiftly bludgeoned when we saw the next temple; Wat Pho. Wat Pho houses the sleeping buddha, a gigantic reclining buddha coated in gold as opposed to solid gold construction, which would have definitely have bankrupt someone. In addition to its large stature there was some metal pots that give you luck if you drop a coin into each of the 100 or so; nice idea in theory but it kind of shatters the peacefulness of the place when you feel like a collection of small woodland creatures is performing their own rendition of 'Stomp' somewhere within the building.

As we left, boarding our own private tour car, we were offered to go and see the optional third temple. Apparently the fat Americans this woman was used to taking around usually couldn't be assed with completing the whole tour so used to skip the marble temple; over my dead plums were we going to miss out on something which we f**king paid for!

When we arrived the temple (Wat Bowonniwetwihan) really didn't seem like much, the only thing it had going for it was it was very white on account of all the marble, something that spoke to me (being part albino and all). We sauntered around for a while before begrudgingly returning to the car.

At this stage we were expecting to be dropped off because when we first boarded the car we told them that we wanted to be dropped at platinum mall, but apparently we needed to go round all of the sponsored facilities. We were kindly treated, at no rush (a first for the day), to two jewellery stores and a suit makers. Later when we made it home we found the suit makers were as bad as suit makers could get in Bangkok with many falling apart months after completion. So all in all, the temples were nice but those taking us around were money grubbing to an extreme.

Stepping from the car we moved across to Platinum Mall for some retail therapy but found the place to be quite expensive due to it being a retail outlet, so unless we were planning on buying in bulk we weren't going to see any savings; seeing as Lena and I didn't often have clothes that overlapped it was unlikely we were going to find any real deals. The main purchase of the day was some 3D manicured nails that Lena bought. They looked really nice but moved her hands from dextrous to art exhibit for most of the day :).

When in Platinum Mall we stumbled across another intriguing thing about Thai Culture; the food court. Now I am not one for much on Thai history but unless there was some massive change shortage among food suppliers there could be no other reason why you had to get a prepaid card before buying ANYTHING! Sure it makes things easier if the place were heaving, but at all other times its a nuisance, like when we were there...

Leaving the mall we made our prayers to our respective gods and attempted to cross the street to get to the Platinum Market. Haggling was well and truly on now! Purchases were made left and right, the nature of these cannot be revealed right now as I don't wan't to spoil the surprise for anyone who is on the receiving end of one of them :).

With shopping done we went for some relaxation therapy before retreating to our hotel fortress for the evening. Now, finding a massage parlour of any quality at the lower end of the price category in Bangkok is akin to closing your eyes and throwing a dart at a board... in the next room. As we walked down a side street on our way toward some sort of station we were inundated by countless places, deciding one was as good as another we trudged in. The next hour of foot and shoulder massage was passable but more painful than enjoyable, but this may have been down to the distance covered during the day.

We walked, bleary eyed into the darkness and found our way, somehow, to the MRT (railway station); ignoring any taxi driver who was offering to "help" us to get to our destination. Once within the safety of the train the journey was uneventful and the walk home proved quite easy.

Having made it back with time to spare before bed we headed back the way we came, after refreshing ourselves of course. Dinner was served to us around the corner from a 7-Eleven and was amazingly delicious. It could have been a lack of food and water all day or that those Thai people sure knew how to cook a mean Pad Thai; either way we were happy!

In addition to the Pad Thai we had some sour sausages which proved to taste truly awful, we weren't quite sure if they weren't just off. The whole thing soured us (HA!) to the whole idea of street food which was sweetened with the thoroughly pleasant experience mere moments later. Once our stomachs were filled we came across a stall selling crickets but we were sadly too chicken to try them.

That night we slept soundly till being woken up around 7am the next morning...

Ladyboys & Ping pong balls; Typical Bangkok!

I feel I have been spoilt with airports in my life, not airlines. I soon realised on the flight over to KL from London that I was missing out on a world of middle class flying, the days of being treated like cattle in the sky were OVER...at least until today that is. We were flying the eastern equivalent of EasyJet known as AirAsia. I feel I have taken a tangent from my original point; I have been spoilt by airports.

Now I am not going to claim I am well travelled, far from it (have I mentioned this is my first time outside the EU), but I have seen my fair share of airports domestically. There is always something about airports that fills me with joy, it's that sense of excitement about what lies ahead. I know all the food is overpriced and I can't even get a can of coke past airport security but it still manages to seem enjoyable; this brings me to LCCT, the low cost terminal of KL. The nerdy brother to the cool and suave KL International Airport.

To say I dislike LCCT is putting it a bit mildly. To any casual observer there may be no reason for such unfair treatment of an innocent airport but there is. My reasoning is twofold: having to have a baggage scan PRIOR to CHECKING-IN the bag and having no toilets beyond the security check. OOh I thought of another; having to walk across the tarmac to GET to the freaking plane. Rant over.

We boarded the plane to Bangkok feeling rather sleepy, having had to be up early to catch the bus to the terminal. The arrival was a 2 step process: Lena's dad dropping us at the bus stop at 7.30am; the second step was the 1 hour bus journey to the airport. Sadly once we were there we had a long wait on our hands as our airplane didn't depart until 1pm. To try and keep ourselves conscious while we waited for the plane. This involved a McDonald's breakfast and some McDonald's ice cream dispensed from a small kiosk set-up on the edge of the fast food restaurant. For RM1 we got a small whippy cone which was really appreciated in the heat, Lena got a slightly more expensive version called a 'chocotop' which involved dipping the ice cream cone into liquid chocolate and letting the temperature of the ice cream solidify it on the surface of the ice cream.

After boarding we found the flight went quite quickly as we spent the entire time sleeping, waking only when we came into land. As the cabin depresurised and we disembarked I was struck by the lack of humidity and slightly reduced temperature; it seemed as though the weather here would be far more mild than I anticipated, fantastic!

The airport on the other end of the journey was more accustomed to what I was expecting and I was relieved to find collecting baggage a breeze, if only because queuing at immigration took so long...

Once our bags were gathered and we had our bearings we had the task of figuring out how to get to the hotel. We decided on the cheap option of taking the train coupled with a short walk to our hotel. On our way out we asked for some directions at a tourist centre and found ourselves walking out with a half price city and temple tour for the following day, we were off to a good start! With our spirits rising high we made our way to the train station and booked an express train to our stop buying return tickets that we would need at the end of the week to quickly drop us off back at the airport.

Our trip into the city gave us a chance to admire the scenery and the very fitting temples that dotted the landscape. A brief 15 minutes later we found ourselves at the end of the line looking for our next connecting subway to take us to Sukhumvit road where we would trek on foot to our hotel. As we exited a kind man showed us the way to the station where we found there was an airport scanner for us and our bags, upon setting it off we had to open them up to confirm to the poor overwhelmed guard we were not harbouring any illicit device. Feeling slightly shaken by that little transgression with the law (apparently deodorant is highly dangerous to the Bangkok subway system; who knew!) we were once again on our way. The subway wasn't nearly as nice as the previous (and shiny, don't forget shiny) train journey we had taken. Lena, being all Asian looking was fitting in nicely whereas I was sticking out like a sore thumb but thankfully I had gotten used to all the glances by now.

Departing at Sukhumvit was an easier affair although getting our bearings was proving to be much harder. After wandering the streets trying to find our bearings we got a friendly Aussie to point us in the right direction. When we eventually gave up and flagged a taxi it was much to our chagrin to find out we were no more than a street away from our intended destination. Oh well.

Getting inside the place looked a little run down but we were to expect that from what reviews had said, considering the price we got on the room it was an acceptable price to pay. Once checked in we made our way up to the room, it...was...massive. Put any room we had in Cambridge to shame and I think it probably cost less per night and it had breakfast included too! Deciding we had had far too much time with our room we headed downstairs to start crossing some of our items off our list: ladyboy show and ping-pong show. Bang! One night of debauchery in Bangkok. The tour guide that operated out of the lobby was really friendly and gave us competitive pricing along with private drive there and back, we were off to a good start with this holiday malarky.

When we got to the ladyboy show it was packed with lots of tourists just as curious as we were to see these ladyboys in the flesh. Now correct me if I'm wrong but when attending a ladyboy show you are going in expecting every one of the 'women' to be ladyboys, this was a concept Lena was having trouble with. Apparently she interpreted the ladyboy show more as a game of 'find the pickle', with every new 'woman' on stage Lena explained 'she can't be a man!' as if the makers of the show were trying to get you to pick the ladyboy out of a lineup. Was quite cute really :).

Between venues our driver kindly took us for some food, the last food we ate was the McDonald's at the airport and that was a looooonnnngggg time ago. He took us to a small street shop and to our surprise, bought us dinner. Mind you this wasn't michelin star quality but it was still an unbelievable gesture I wouldn't have expected from anyone, much less our tour guide.

After the show and our complimentary Pepsi (yay) we moved onto the ping-pong show. Now when we asked for this the guy behind the desk said he could take us somewhere but it wasn't going to be on the list of tours, rather a more private, wink wink affair. When we turned up the place was distinctly less touristy than the last place, some might say sleazy. The appearance some places generate I suppose, but when your clientele are drawn to you so they can watch women do unrealistic things with their vaginas I don't think decor factors into things much. We paid and realised that in order to do everything we wanted we were going to need to change a few more ringgit. Now we were led to believe we were just going to be watching some mildly older women do things with their nether regions, imagine our surprise when we walked in on some acrobatic sex show. Thinking we had made a mistake we were about to head to the door until we realised that it was the finale of the show and we were just about to catch the next loop. What followed was the most bizarre lineup of women doing things you could only imagine or conjure up in your worst nightmare, depending on your sensibilities and sexual preference I suppose.

We left feeling rather dirty and were glad once we were back in a locked car heading in the opposite direction. Quite a first day.

Bangkok's Waiting!

Sadly not much of interest happened today unless you are some fanatical packing enthusiast in which case, enjoy!

Packing.

As we were planning on shopping and making the most of the loose hand luggage rules in effect we only paid for a single piece of check-in luggage with the return trip hand luggage packed inside. Apparently there was some ruling which meant we could get onto the plane with a laptop bag and hand luggage. Jackpot. Having only been travelling in the EU and never being one who tries to game the system I was apparently missing out on a whole world of additional luggage, I was practically salivating at the exploitation I was going to inflict on Air Asia, MWAHAhahahahaha!

I am way too excited about packing.

Bird Sanctuary & Fireflies

Another weekend day, meaning we were going to be out and about. First stop the seksyen 17 market for some breakfast. As I was about to hop into the car there was the startling revelation: we were walking. Now I may have mentioned that it is hot here and to be fair it wasn't 10am yet so the heat hadn't quite reached egg cooking on the side of the road temp yet, but to me it didn't feel a million miles off.

From where we were it wasn't more than a 5 minute walk to get there, as far as I was concerned it may as well have been on the other side of the city. The heat was getting to me fast and I was jumping between spots of shade like some kind of vampire. It was just the same when I managed to make it to the market, thank merciful heaven for parasols! As I wandered I was struck by the variety, and even more struck by my ability to screen the things I did and didn't want; I felt a milestone had been reached. At the beginning of the holiday I strolled the stalls looking vaguely at the food offered to me having little idea about any of it; now I had a growing database of dishes and vocabulary that would get me by in the wild open expanse that was the market place (to anyone interested I read that last bit in the voice of David Attenborough).

The breakfast cultivated at the market consisted of: Char Siew Pau, one of my favourite dishes here although many consider it a basic item more akin to toast; Nasi Lemak, one of my favourite breakfast dishes, served with a wonderful piece of rendang chicken; Pork pau, it may shock you to learn that those buns come filled with something other than char siew, and they still manage to kick ass; lastly, peanut and sugar pancake, not as good as the first one I ever had something about it just doesn't live up, I blame a lack of sugar.

With breakfast over we were stumped for things to do and ended lazing around the house for a while before the idea of the bird sanctuary was tossed into the air. Its amazing how things you never really consider doing at home suddenly gain traction when placed on foreign soil, oh well! To be honest I think Lena's dad wanted us out of the house for a bit, but I digress :).

With an eventful drive there, we were navigating on some mumbled and vague directions, we made it to the park. Now the one thing that makes this sanctuary stand out is that it is the world's largest open air sanctuary with massive nets suspended over the whole thing; it was visible from KL Tower it was that large. Once inside our first section had vibrant coloured birds fluttering around our heads a few inches from our faces, it was quite fun. After we moved from this section I thought we would get more of the same but ended up finding the truly exotic birds were in cages although looking at their beaks and general demeanour its hard not to support caging them, couple that with a child's enthusiasm to charge headlong at anything shiny and your bound to end up with injuries.

As we strolled around the grounds I found myself getting oddly accustomed to the heat, it may have been that it was a little cooler than usual with a slight threat of rain. Soon after this revelation we stumbled across a little photo taking opportunity with a collection of colourful exotic birds, for a scant RM10 we could take a whole collection of photos with a lot of birds. As we were taking the photos one of the birds spotted the beaded bracelet I got from one of the temples and every time he thought the keepers weren't watching he would try and eat the beads and was getting more and more frustrated as the band pinged them out of his mouth.

Further into the park we stumbled across a chick hatchery with some freshly hatched chicks trying to walk and move, it was so sweet to see, especially since they were less than a few hours old and were noticeably tired. In addition to having the eggs there were also a collection of much fluffier chicks and ducklings to play with, and play I did! I can't remember seeing so many since I was young and it was so fun to relive memories of old, I was kind of amazed at how light they were, it appears as though the fluff makes up a large proportion of their size :).

When we found our way home, an apparently simpler task, we sat down to some good home cooking. Fried chicken was on the menu and it was gorgeous, almost an equal to a certain colonel people are in a flap over...

Once dinner was done and dusted it was time for the evenings activity: fireflies. I've only every seen them in movies, more specifically romantic ones but sadly Lena wasn't able to get us there by ourselves so we were chaperoned by Lena's dad. The trip there was quite long and coupled with it being dark I was starting to feel relieved that I didn't have to help navigate. When we got there we paid our admission threw on some life jackets and waited for our turn in the boats. When I caught first glimpse of one I seriously didn't think it would stay above water, it looked like a row boat if the rower wasn't interesting in rowing from a seated position. Matters weren't made any easier when the thing looked like it had been constructed from leftover pieces of wood. As we set off I was reassured by the life jacket sitting on my shoulders as I felt it may be needed at any second.

As we moved off into the dark I didn't notice any lights and was beginning to wonder if I had just walked into a very well executed scam: give me your money or you go overboard, you know that kind of thing. No sooner as I was groping around trying to find a weapon, I saw it. The bushes were beginning to shimmer, again my bullshit alarm was going off, 'well they have clearly strung out some christmas lights in those trees'. It took a while for that feeling to disappear, it was only once we got close enough and I saw the creatures glowing asses that I genuinely believed I was watching fireflies. The flies were very beautiful and we got close enough for Lena to grab one, we had to do it quickly so no-one else could see as they didn't want tourists to start manhandling them too often. They gave off quite a bit of heat from their asses, Lena was able to notice the heat quite quickly. As quickly as the tour began it was over, with us standing on the jetty watching another family take the plunge.

As we trekked back to the car we stopped off in a shop just as they were closing up shop and came across PvZ plushies! Debating which one of our favourite characters was going to make it back with us we decided on the workhorse of the game: the peashooter. Cheap, reliable and iconic. A no-brainer really...

War Memorial & Massage

Another weekend was rolling around and so culture was the name of the game with a late morning visit to the war memorial commemorating all those who had fought for Malaysia over the course of the two world wars and during the 'emergency' that happened with the emergence of communism. The monument was massive expanse with statues strategically placed but one thing struck me more than anything else, the lack of cover. Whilst I would have liked to pay more attention to certain areas I found myself ducking and weaving in and out of shade as the heat was unforgiving in the late morning sun.

Once we had a look around and paid our respects we went to lunch at the place in seksyen 17 that serves the best char siew on the planet. In addition to the char siew we also had some roast chicken and vegetables to balance out the protein overload we were introducing into our systems, also it didn't help that the guy serving kind of forced it on us. This waiter must surely have been family because there is no other reason why he is allowed to get away with so much and the food is good enough that it excuses his assholishness (for the most part). The place sells out of everything by midday leaving the owner to go home, and he isn't doing too badly as he rocks up on a brand new BMW motorbike daily.

With lunch over it was decided that the best way to relax would be a nice relaxing massage with a friend of Lena's dad who would talk to Lena about how to properly use her new camera. The place was really nice and quite expansive but due to some new taxation laws it meant that most of the masseuses weren't in the country leaving it quite empty with the 3 of us (Lena, James and myself) taking up 75% of the workforce.

The massage was a 1 hour foot massage sitting in these incredibly comfortable chairs, the real challenge was not falling asleep! Now the main reason for coming to the massage parlour was to discuss the camera while getting a massage, in the waiting room this was the case, but as soon as we sat down the other 2 were asleep within minutes leaving me to battle with my conscious and watch some truly bizarre Malaysian show that was playing in the background.

After the relaxing massage we went for dinner where the camera discussion continued, no chance of falling asleep here! The place was called Win Soon and it specialised in a dish I hadn't tried, and for good reason, fish head soup. To say I was apprehensive was an understatement. Imagine my surprise when no such head arrived, apparently you are quite lucky to get actual fish heads as they are the best part, but I was in no arguing mood. The fish pieces I had still had some small bones but they were a small price to pay for not looking my food in the face. The dish itself was really rather nice and would be something you would get foreigners if you dropped the fish head part...

Well after this we went off for the delicacy of Durians for dinner, James loved them. Shit. Having tried them recently and finding the taste and texture to be something akin to rotting meat I had no intention of going anywhere near one again. Thankfully when we got there we ate them outside, the worlds best ventilation and to top it off I had myself a couple of mangoes, hallelujah!

Petronas Towers & Drinks with Lingish

Well after the tragedy of getting turned away a few days ago Lena and I came back with tickets in hand ready to take a tour. The tour would throw us out at the viewing bridge followed by a trip to the highest level of the tower to look down on the world below us.

Again we were dropped off at the Petronas Towers at unreasonably early time in the morning (8am) meaning we head around 3 hours to kill before we went in to our 11am session. We started off at one of the more reasonably overpriced places, sitting down to a breakfast of Nasi Lemak, comprised of: a piece of rendang spiced chicken, boiled egg, rice, roasted peanuts, and some spicy sauce. When read out in that order the meal may seem like a mess but it is sooooooo good once you've tried some, and once you have tried the best you are saddened to return to mediocrity. Unfortunately todays serving was nice but not mind blowing, that definition is reserved for the Nasi Lemak in Seksyen 17 market.

After the breakfast we aimlessly strolled the mall until it was time to take our tour. As the time approached we found ourselves at something resembling airport security, which makes sense considering we would be hurled at great speed upwards. As the tour got underway we were led into a little foyer giving us information on the towers history and general statistics, thank god for everything being in English otherwise this pause would have been most excruciating. Shortly after the demo finished we were ushered into what appeared to be an industrial service elevator, then at the speed of...something very fast we were on our way.

The observation bridge wasn't nearly as grand as I felt it should have been. The layout reminded me of an office floor about to be fitted for new tenants, not looking in need of refurbishment but just seeming to exist. With the banality of the interior I was relieved to find the exterior views much more satisfying but sadly the lighting made photography somewhat troubling. Although thankfully there was a kindly man who showed us how to use our semi-pro camera whilst touting a much smaller version, slightly embarrassed but very gratefully we took pictures left right and centre before being hurried to the next stop: the top floor.

Now HERE is where the vertigo set in. After going up the same lift we moved to a secondary lift where we were carried the last few floors, which felt a bit unnecessary. To top it off the transition was conducted with uniformed guards on either side, hardly the picture of efficiency. When getting to the top if I thought the views were good before these were stellar, and when I got close to the edge to look down I got the distinct feeling that I was swaying (that would be the vertigo) and had to move back. I did feel slightly uneasy when I got too close but persevered (how often would I be here!).

With the tour over within the hour we found ourselves back at the bottom by midday and wondering what to do, with the shopping trip fresh in my mind we decided to go back to seksyen 17, which we did using the KL train system, a first for me! The trains were clean and air conditioned which is all I could ask of them to be honest and it was nice to get a different view of KL for a change. To top it off when we got near to home we hopped into a taxi which took us (what I thought was quite a long distance) for RM7 which is around £1.40. Although the taxi did chug a bit when positioned on an incline, most likely due to driving a Proton, the national car.

Well no sooner had we gotten through the door we were planning the afternoons activities. With Lena only coming back once a year she tries to see everyone she can and there was another person to meet, a guy no less! Lingish rocked up and we went to a White Coffee Shop in seksyen 17 where I sampled a wonderful Ribena and Longan Ice Drink followed by a green apple ice drink. Chatting went on for a bit then our goodbyes were said.

Once again no sooner had we arrived we were off for dinner, at seksyen 17. We decided to try a new place we hadn't been before to try Bak Kut Teh which roughly translated means pork bone tea. It was definitely an interesting experience but I don't see myself repeating it willingly, too many nicer things around town :)

Deja Vu with Gen & Seraphyn

With the images of 1 Utama freshly dancing in my head it was time to...go straight back there. Having just been with a friend of Lena's we went straight back to visit an old music teacher who had recently had a baby.

Having gone with a western themed place yesterday we travelled across the world for an eastern themed menu, thats right, sushi! The place was a popular destination called Sushi Zenmai, it was very nicely laid out and the food looked fantastic, now bring on Gen!

Lena disappeared briefly to go...somewhere, leaving me in the queue (yeah the place is popular enough that people have to queue to get in) when a woman with a baby in a stroller rocks up behind me. I'm now in a dilema, do I: A, turn round and introduce myself potentially making myself look like a MASSIVE pervert if it isn't Gen; B, ignore the situation and pretend that I didn't notice her and look like an inconsiderate idiot if it was Gen; or C, smile and hope she understands and introduces herself. I went for C, I mean how many other giant white guys could there be in 1 Utama. Thankfully she took the hint, although if she hadn't then it would have been beyond creepy.

Lunch was great with much of the sushi tasting delicious, it rekindled my love of soft shell crab. The main delight of lunch was little Seraphyn who found my watch quite intriguing several times during the course of lunch. To top off her cuteness she was just on the cusp of forming words so she had a stream of nonsense that just made her all the cuter :). Also she was very well behaved, quietly sitting and watching us eat, only crying out when she wanted her mums attention. Another game she enjoy was 'get Jack to pick up my plush book', no sooner had I turned my back she was dropping it again; towards the end I got good, predicting it and catching it mid fall.

A crowning achievement; I outsmarted a baby...

After lunch and conversation we headed out into the mall for a slightly longer search with Lena visiting Baskin Robins for some Green Tea ice cream. A recurring theme was emerging with this Green Tea thing and I felt it wasn't likely to stop before heading home, it's not likely your going to have people trampled under foot in the UK to get their hands on some green tea ice cream.

1 Utama with Liz

Today was my visit to the shopping centre to beat all (but one) shopping centre: 1 Utama. Lena had built this place up as some kind of Godly place, which to be frank, it was. Needing a good reason before Lena would take me, we were going to meet up with one of Lena's friends from her days of music (long since passed), Liz.

One thing I am thankful for in KL is the left hand driving, a remnant from British Colonisation. Having cars on the left gave me some confidence to drive whilst over here, Lena's dad kindly putting me on the insurance for my trip. Sitting in the driving seat was slightly daunting, having only done it a couple of times prior but I was starting to get the hang of it, it basically boiled down to being a selfish ass and neglecting your turn signal :).

As we arrived at 1 Utama I started to see what everyone was going on about, it was HUGE! Positioning ourselves within the multi-storey car park, we exited the 4th floor parking straight into the mall. Looking down we could see the vastness of it all, combined with the fact that large stretches of the OLD section were under renovation just made it seem all the larger. As we were heading for lunch and not in much of a mood to shop we barely scratched the surface of what was on offer. Thankfully we would be coming back tomorrow for another lunch date and hopefully more exploring.

Lunch was nice, we decided on an italian place called Delicious which certainly proved to be true. Having tried so many nice asian dishes I found myself weakening when presented with the opportunity to have a burger. After choosing something comfortable for lunch I decided to be slightly more adventurous with the drinks and settled for a mango/peach smoother, completely forgetting that it would have milk. Even with the fiasco with the drink the lunch was delicious (Ha!), we then made a small detour on our way back to the car to explore the food level, awesome.

When we got onto the lower level I spotted something that had me brimming with nostalgia; Cinnabon! In my home shopping centre of Milton Keynes there was briefly a Cinnabon which I had adored but sadly the rest of the public disagreed and it went the way of the dinosaur with a year, to be replaced by a soup store, which still remains. With that shop, I had fallen in love but had come to terms with the fact I wasn't going to have one any time soon. Imagine my surprise at seeing one, just sitting there in 1 Utama, this place was truly paradise :).

I helped myself to one and Lena had a collection of chocolate covered pretzel fingers which were really nice. Sadly though, like a lot of things drenched in nostalgia, I found the Cinnabon to be great but not otherworldly; the price you pay for putting things onto a pedestal. I was still happy I got to experience one again but it wasn't quite the experience I had hoped it would be.

Maybe I'll have another tomorrow...

Failed Twin Towers Visit & Successful Mall Visits

As many Civil Engineering buffs will know KL hosts the largest pair of Twin Towers in the world; The Petronas Twin Towers. These Islamic inspired towers sit centrally in the city in their own luscious grounds and holds some simply amazing views of the surrounding landscape. Not wanting to miss out on this treat we decided a visit was in order, so we set off at an eye watering (at least to me) 7am in order to get in line early for the tickets. The towers only offer a certain number of tickets a day and they require people to queue for them meaning 'First Come, First Serve' was in effect.

Arriving at the towers around quarter to eight I felt confident we would be served. Looking up at the towers as we approached I felt myself getting slightly giddy; I've never been one for vertigo but I felt a twinge for some reason. As we got into the complex we managed to find the escalators to the tourist section, cloistered away around a corner to keep tourists away from the businesspeople moving through the site. When we reached the bottom we realised 7.45am was far too late, apparently some losers had been camped out since 6am!

As the mass of people pushed there way around it became apparent that we weren't going to be getting onto the tour today. The system stupidly works by giving 500 tickets out and asking people how many they want, once 500 is reached, poof!, no more tickets. Feeling dejected we inquired about getting tickets for another day and were told to come back at: 11.00am, 11.30am, and 12.00pm. Deciding to err on the side of caution we decided on 10.45am, and whilst we waited, food!

The Petronas Towers is host to over 80 floors of office space and to serve all these people they have built a shopping mall (a Malaysian past-time) in between the two towers. I soon discovered prices similar to the UK and baulked; the high prices of the UK are going to take some getting used to when coming home :(. Despite the prices we soon found a gem hidden amongst the other 'overpriced' gems: Rotiboy.

Rotiboy is a bun shop, something which may seem a bit bland to devote an entire shop to but they are everywhere apparently. Due to our early arrival we could only sample the Classic (butter & sugar bun) as everything else was being cooked. For simple bread, butter, and sugar I was really surprised! The bun wasn't quite savoury or sweet but somewhere in between, the baked coffee-flavoured crust gave a nice sweet crunch with a soft, salty, butter-soaked centre. I was starting to fall in love with eastern baking.

Following on from the failure at the Towers we looked round the shopping centre and were planning on going into some museum attached to the towers but sadly it was aimed at an age group a little too young for us, time has a way of glossing over some of these things when looking back on them.

As we were now in the middle of KL and no ride home, Lena's dad had dropped us off on his way to work, we decided it was time to take in some of these shopping malls KL was so famous for. Using our map as a guide we headed off towards 'The Pavilion' shopping mall. The problem was that maps make distances look deceptively short, coupled with the fact that it was KL in the middle of the day. In my mind we may as well have been walking in the Sahara. Not the best introduction to KL on foot, I still maintain that driving is the way forward...

Pavilion felt a lot like shopping malls in the UK; 80% clothes. Sadly these weren't your TK Max's or Primarks, and seeing as I'm not exactly svelte they wouldn't really have anything I could fit into anyway. Even so it was nice to be inside, accompanied by some italian gelato did put the icing on the cake though. As it became apparent that very little money would be exchanging hands we moved onto the bermuda triangle of shopping, in the sense that your money will never be seen again once you enter it. There were a group of 3 smaller shopping centres clustered together that offered cheaper products, one of which proved to be technological mecca!

The first two shopping centres were a maze of floors and small stores selling all manner of items, and with a lack of windows it slowed the passage of time and got me very disoriented; much like alcohol! Oddly the first two malls were interconnected by only one exit and appeared, at least to me, to be identical. Now I'm a man who likes to shop but I felt I was reaching my limit, the combination of shopping and extreme heat just made me feel so tired but all of that was washed away when we hit the techocentre (not its real name).
(Lena explains: Sungei Wang and Bukit Bintang Mall are the two connected malls the white one is talking about, not very interesting to him as it was mainly cheap shopping for me. He found Eden when I finally agreed to leave and take him to Low Yat Plaza, where we spent the rest of the day.)

Trying to get to the techo rave cave was difficult as apparently it wasn't deemed worthy as a place to put onto tourist maps and we had to rely on Lena's navigational skills. I'm not going to lie, I did think the place was closed or Lena may have imagined it, as it was 4 years ago :). Oh how I was wrong! 7, count 'em, 7 floors of tech with everything you could want in order to sustain your technological thirst, I found my energy coming anew as my body filled with the rejuvenating energy of the gadget lord; in other words, I was excitable. For hours we scoured the place to find all manner of gadgets and tech, it was so vast I instantly came to the conclusion that I was going to have to come back here again for a full day of searching. The hours inside the place rumbled by with my trusty companion Lena bartering like a champ! Despite her being less enthused than me she didn't show it, haggling with everyone she could, exploiting the language barrier I couldn't overcome.

As our time in the shopping malls came to an end we met Lena's dad (yes we spent a full work day in shopping malls - love the student life!) for dinner where we dined on JUMBO prawns with noodles (Soo Kee's Son's Sang Har Mee on Jalan Imbi - RECOMMEND!) and beef & scallions with noodles; both of which the place was famous for. The ginormous prawns were delicious, and I'm starting to get good at peeling them, although I will never become accustomed to eating the brains.

The End of Potter

As days go this one won't be quite as mammoth as some of the days just gone; food was sampled, malls were visited and Harry Potters were watched.

Having heard so much of the malls of Malaysia we decided to visit one which was pretty much a spitting distance from Lena's. I find this to be one of those big differences between the UK and Malaysia; in the UK you always look for your local supermarket, comparatively in KL you look for your nearest Mall which would outnumber supermarkets in the local area by some great margin. The mall of interest today was the Tropicana City Mall, a small mall by KL standards although it would give Milton Keynes shopping centre a run for its money (my local). The tidbits on todays lunch menu were: 1901 hotdogs (the brand name, not the number we had); filled buns, a savory sausage one, a nice mediterranean one, a third which filling escapes me and a butter filled bun which was very sweet; baby octopus skewers, quite sweet and not as crunchy as I was preparing myself for; and lastly, chocolate waffles, not particularly Asian but screw it I wanted one!

With all of the food out of the way we sauntered around the mall trying to decide what we wanted to do, I'm not going to lie eating more was an option. In the end we decided on Harry Potter in 3D, simply because we couldn't be assed with waiting an extra half hour for the non-3D version. Loved the film, it had everything the first half lacked, it was action packed and fast paced! Upon finishing it I realised that the book was too long for 1 film but not really long enough for 2 which resulted in the first half being quite drawn out and dull; enough with my review, bring on sleep!

Cultural Blitzkrieg...

We were put up on the floor of Lena's grandparents lounge, and when it is almost an identical set-up to what I've been having in KL alarm bells start ringing, but I am getting off topic; CULTURE!

The theme of the day was definitely culture with: a second cave visit, making all others seem small; a museum trip telling the history of the Ipoh area; a chinese temple, now with monkeys!; and finally, another temple, boasting a lot of different statues. Before all of the days wonderment could begin we set out for some Dim Sum, which is quickly becoming my favourite meal! The restaurant (Foh San, Ipoh), like all Dim Sum places, was packed and I had to stand menacingly near a table in order to get them to pay and move on quickly; POWER TO THE CAUCASIAN! I simply must stop shouting in this blog, most unbecoming... any-who..

The breakfast was fantastic as always with the table littered with every manner of dish I could think of, although there were a lot of dumplings. Without further adieu, here is our feast: Black pepper chicken SiuMai, having had a lot of the frozen kind back in the Cam I am loving the freshly prepared kind and the pepper gave it a nice kick, an all round nice dish; Prawn Siu Mai, in case I hadn't mentioned it the 'Siu Mai' are those dumplings I was referring to, sadly I don't think prawns to them justice on their own, far better ones out there; Scallop & Prawn Siu Mai, now thats what I'm talking about, the scallops give it that edge which makes them superior to the prawns alone; steamed pork ribs in black bean sauce, having gotten so used to seeing ribs as something on the brown colour chart I have found these pale white ribs to be very flavoursome and just as succulent as any other type of ribs; Char Siew Pau, you should already know my stance on these buns, otherwise for shame!; Century egg with pork, not too shabby, not going to be trampling people underfoot to get it though; Lastly, mango custard pudding, I genuinely though the inclusion of mango would get me to like custard, sadly not, my search for a fantastic Asian desert goes on...

With breakfast out of the way we went off to the Gua Tempurung Caves. Now these are some caves, much like those yesterday which had a temple carved into them today's caves were also limestone. The cave system also boasted an impressive step count but being contained entirely within the caves I had no idea of how high we were climbing. At the peak we could see down into the black abyss that people were apparently keen to go crawling through, I myself passed on this generously insane idea, instead opting for the dryer option of trekking back the way we came.

Once back in the land of the sunburnt we moved onto the next stop on the tour; a nice big temple. Now, having been to many a temple on this trip already I found this one to have much the same as all the previously with the one main exception; monkeys! Those rascals were everywhere, but they did seem to prefer hanging out by the shop where they heroically attempted to carry off a whole coconut (keep in mind they are about as heavy as the monkeys themselves) before being shooed away by the storekeeper. Well not wanting to let their efforts go to waste we bought a bag of peanuts and began to feed them, what do you know there were soon more monkeys than we had nuts to give.

Once monkeys had been thoroughly fed we moved onto an area which was rife with temples, the only discernible feature of all of the temples was the level of upkeep afforded to each. Although a single temple did stand out, simply due to having an over abundance of statues; a clear sign of someone adding too many zeros on the statue ordering form. With templeing starting to wear on the senses, we made haste to a small museum and heritage house showing how the people of Ipoh lived 'back in the day'. It was very interesting to see how much information and pieces they managed to cram into such a small space, it also reflected just how small everyone was back then as I seemed to hunch quite frequently.

As my poor legs and seared shoulders were beginning to wain I was relieved to collapse in the car and enjoy a nice leisurely car ride home to Ipoh. When we got back we still had a little bit of time to kill before dinner so I settled in for some 'interesting' chinese TV shows. As I was getting comfortable Lena's grandpa brought out an electrical engineering book from late 1930's to early 1940's. Whilst slightly damaged over time I was amazed to find I was able to recognise a lot of what was there as being from my own syllabus at Cambridge; either it is such bedrock information that everyone needs it or the course at Cambridge is so antiquated it has been lifted from the early part of the 20th Century!

Dinner: seafood, lots of it! Although ribs were also on the menu in the traditional sense, I found them to be kick-ass, to coin a phrase so often used by the finest literary agents. The rest of the meal was: jumbo prawns which required peeling, I am slowly becoming desensitised to the dismemberment of sea-creatures to the point that seeing the brain dangling from the main prawn body doesn't faze me in the least; Lai Yau Sotong otherwise known as squid in flaked egg, this took me a while to realise that it was actually squid but even so it was delicious and Lena and I still have no idea how they manage to fry the egg flaked so well; long beans with belacan, a veggie dish which garners my contempt for having the shear gaul to be a vegetable at a dinner which is quite clearly a seafood only affair; bean curd with mince pork gravy, I can't seem to find much love for bean curd but thankfully the gravy saved it by offering some tasty mince with some tantalising sauce; and finally, Motherflipping SHARKS FIN SOUP!!!!!! Whilst this sounds hardcore it is a little more subdued as the sharks fin comes in fine strands which absorb the flavour of the surrounding soup, I found the soup to be delicious and the sharks fin added some textural variety to the dish.

With dinner over we made the long trip back to Ipoh where I...stayed awake keeping Lena company as she drove. Am I a good boyfriend or what!

No Rest for the Sunburnt!

Well, with Perhentian past us we had to get on with the rest of our trip; 2 hours of sleep later we were on our way to Ipoh! Both of Lena's parents hailed from the food conscious city so this was a family visit in addition to sightseeing.

Having had such a brief sleep on both bus and mattress I found myself getting to Ipoh really fast, sleeping the whole way really helps. Even though Lena's grandparents are in their 80's I was the one who felt sluggish; no sooner had we arrived than we were whisked off to lunch in town. If I thought KL was cheap then I was in for a shock. Everywhere was ridiculously cheap and filled with foods I hadn't tried yet.

I had been warned that the best (possibly only?) thing to do was eat and it certainly looked that way in the car, so many restaurants, cafes and roadside stalls. After having a quick lunch (Unlimited satay on demand, Popiah, and Kai See Sa Hor Fun - Chicken soup noodles - Ipoh's Specialty. Apparently water from the limestone mountains surrounding Ipoh is the secret behind the silky smooth noodles! MUST TRY!) at the Khong Heng Coffee Shop we headed off to one of the most known landmarks in Ipoh, the Perak Caves.

The Caves themselves put the Batu Caves to shame for the shear number of steps to reach the nosebleed inducing peak dwarfed its rival. The caves themselves are primarily limestone, something common in Ipoh and is thought to be the reason why Ipoh's noodles have such a distinctive taste compared with other Malaysian cities. Thankfully the caves were cool and damp with some areas exploiting aerodynamics to offer a wonderful, natural, fan system; pure bliss!

After our treks through the mammoth cave system we were on our way back home, or so I thought. As we made it back into Ipoh I was given a tour of the local area and some of its rich history, such as Concubine Lane where all the rich men kept their mistresses. As the story goes Lena's great great grandfather had a mistress out there and his eldest son took an interest - one day while he was with the mistress his father came a knocking forcing him to flee through the back window; what a rascal!

I have a confession to make, I've been neglecting my posts and have had to write these from notes I made and those notes are sadly quite poor when it comes to what we did for dinner and sadly my poor, humidity saturated brain can't quite recall it either. If Lena can remember then hopefully she can enlighten you!

Perhentian calling

I had just gotten past the issue of jet lag only to stay up to 5am a few days later, I am such a glutton for punishment...

As I wrestled myself into the world of the living I thought to myself 'never again!', how wrong I was going to be. The day started off as most days so far, breakfast. If anyone is unaware of Malaysian shopping malls then quite frankly you haven't lived! The city of KL alone boasts a staggering number, if I spent a day in a mall every day for my entire trip I wouldn't get round them all.

The mall we were visiting today was the SS2 Mall very near to Lena's house. It had opened as recently as last year and was still showing some signs as there were still unoccupied space on all floors which looked to be a long way from completion. Having only experienced Milton Keynes this was quite a novel experience seeing such a young building. I later learned that malls were being opened at a rate of one every year (modest) and this was a common sight in KL The main purpose of our visit today was trying out a newly opened dim sum restaurant.

The food on show was typical dishes found in dim sum: siew mei, char siew pau, steamed pork ribs, squid, prawn balls and shrimp balls. The collection was great with many dishes of the highest calibre, at least to me. Lena and her dad felt it could have been better, but I was sold! Having had a bit of dim sum before I remember some meat buns I had a fondness for which turned out to be pretty common and too filling for most as people prefer to nibble on smaller dishes in order to experience as much as possible.

The rest of the morning and afternoon played out as expected with our time spent lazily moving around the mall and making final preparations for the trip to Perhentian. The prep was largely small things from pharmacy stores.

When the trip was complete we made final preparations and... headed out for dinner, this trip was not going to be kind to my waistline. Prior to our 9 hour coach journey to the docks we went for a bit of food in nearby section 17. Just like all meals before this one was filled with new tastes of a huge variety. Squid, chicken & beef satay, beef & scallions, ABC soup and some slightly more western dishes of broccoli and fried chicken. It was nice to see some western dishes on the table but I only felt compelled to eat the fried chicken as I seem to have a natural hatred of broccoli.

With dinner over we headed for the bus station, which is a far cry from the bus stations of the UK. Upon arrival no one seemed to know which area to head towards and were generally being unhelpful, so much so, we nearly missed our bus which we wait over an hour for. Thankfully aboard the bus we started our journey and began to relax, that was until we found that our driver would have preferred a career as a street racer, one of the most uncomfortable bus journeys I've had :(

Mahjong, Bitches!

I'm beginning to feel like this trip is oscillating between days of unrelenting action and those spent at home. I say this because today we stayed in and used the pretence of packing for Perhentian to absolve ourselves from having to leave the house.

Sadly a full day inside was not meant to be as one of Lena's friends popped round, a girl called Julie (who is a Chindian apparently?). Feeling that our lethargy wasn't going to make for the best company we went out the night market, whilst there was still daylight. Once there we wandered around looking for any small scrap of food we could force down or anything I could try that would be funny to witness (I assume this was the case, I was starting to get paranoid).

The food scavenger hunt got off to a bad start with me coming across the first dish I could say I disliked, fish paste noodles (Asam Laksa). I warn you now that I don't have the correct Malaysian spellings for these dishes but rather vague descriptions. The fish stuff was thankfully accompanied by some prawn mee which I had tried before so finished it off to wash the taste of foul fish from (alliteration!) my mouth. After dabbling in the roadside noodle dishes we set off for snacks from the various market stalls, first stop peanut and sugar pancake thing (freaking awesome) (Tai Kao Meen). With all this food drinks were an inevitable and I got my first taste of pearls which equate to be jelly balls which in NO WAY improve the drinking experience; every sip I had to contend with one of the buggers which greatly reduced my enjoyment of...a...peach...drink? Can't even remember the flavour I'm that disheartened! (SCREW YOU JACK BUBBLE TEA IS THE SHIZZZZZ!!!)

As we wandered round some more we settled on some satay sticks which I have enjoyed previously so had high expectations...which were not disappointed; Freaking love satay, especially the peanut sauce stuff :). Riding on my satay high I strolled into some place who used liberal amounts of deep fat frying, I sampled: a spring roll, a prawn cracker thing, and what turned out to be tapioca balls. I thought I was buying fried wantons, imagine my surprise! I can sadly say it wasn't a nice surprise like waking up realising its a Saturday but like waking up and realising its a Monday. Well today was shaking my adventurous streak, several repeated dishes and a couple of awful foods, things were looking dire, but no sooner than that thought came through my mind BANG curry puff, kicking ass resumed again!

Leaving the market on a high note we rolled our way back to our little place and got Hang round. A new entertainment was to be brought out this fine eve, Mahjong! Having never played the game before I was curious on the mechanics and I quickly found, like backgammon, gambling improves it. To make things sweeter I seemed to be on a winning streak/beginners luck, I managed to win 3 out of 4 of the first games. Although as the night progressed experience took over and I was swiftly pwned by Hang, and to some extent Lena (I let her win!).

The exciting and daring world of Mahjong kept us going into the wee hours of the morning (5am for me), but sadly age and being sleepy won out and I retired to bed with the fevered sounds of Hang and Lena chatting in the background...

Lena's edits: Jack woke up at about 7am to find Hang and myself cuddled on the single bed (just like the good old days back in high school!) whilst he was asleep by himself on the queen bed.. Suspicious? Threatened? No. His only thoughts: Sweet.. Lesbians! zzZZZzzz...

KL Sightseeing

OK, 3 days in and panic was setting in. I had slept through the entire day on Saturday and was afraid this may set a precedent, Lena's dad to (or should I say Teh) the rescue!

In a single day we managed to visit 3, count 'em, 3 tourist sites: The Batu Caves, a massive temple set into a mountain, reachable by a 372 step climb; KL Tower, the 4th largest telecommunication tower in the world, standing ~370m tall and boasting some amazing views of the city; lastly; a chinese temple with a garden containing statues of the chinese calendar (monkey, dragon, rat, etc...). To round out the day we also had some lovely food at some of Lena's dads favourite pit stops.

The first stop on the tour was breakfast on the way to Batu Caves, at a venue of the most senior member of our team of 3. Having only been here for a few days every dish was new and interesting, having not found anything I disliked I was trying dishes like a swimmer diving into a pool before checking for the deep end. This time thankfully it was the deep end with all the dishes coming up trumps: curry mee with siew yok was delicious, it was basically spicy noodle soup, I can't fathom how you can screw that up!; fish balls, apparently a staple of most places and fairly edible, wouldn't turn them down but wouldn't ask for them either; and finally, wat kai, also known to the layman (aka Englishman) as smooth chicken, the jury is out as to whether this dish is awesome or whether I was in a generous mood.

Loaded up on food we headed for Batu Caves. Traffic was pretty fierce but even so you could make out the temple, with its huge golden deity and larger than life staircase. Once there I made a discovery, a white person! This may seem a little racially insensitive but I was quite excited at seeing a fellow caucasian for the first time since arriving, sadly they weren't English, too much to ask for I suppose. When getting first sight of the actual attraction I was a little apprehensive, I have dabbled with vertigo before and the very steep and very unsafe set of stairs was setting off something inside me; although the 'don't be a pussy' alarm was the only one I heard.

As I was ascending I noticed that there were a few people going up on their knees or, I shit thee not, a baby slung under a palm tree! I later discovered that the spiritual nature of the caves meant people made wishes that people would overcome sickness, and in exchange they would offer something to the cave, these things took many forms, like: shaving your head once a year, climbing the stairs on your knees 50 times before you die, rough up a nun, climb the stairs with a burden. One of those is embellished, I shall leave it to you to guess which one. As we got nearer to the top the stairs began to get steeper and also the handrails ran out, from the point on I kept picturing I would miraculously fly backwards off the stairs, fairly disconcerting to say the least. Lena's fear of heights was worse than mine so I tried to keep moving at a constant pace without too many sharp movements, it was of course at this time that I saw my first wild monkey; kick ass for me, shit scary for Lena (I think, she will protest/edit this later if I am wrong).

Once at the top we were treated to some lovely temples and some cheap tat which I was about to find it pretty much the norm at every sacred temple. The main highlight was in fact a lot of monkeys, one of whom had a little baby clinging to its underbelly! After getting snap happy with Lena's camera for a while we decided on going back down, as opposed to setting up shop and living among the monkeys. It was then we saw the view, equally terrifying as it was beautiful. The downward journey was conducted heads down for Lena, who decided the time was best spent counting the steps and punching anyone, child or otherwise, who got in her path :)

At the base of the tower we rested for a little while, slogging up a down a massive flight of stairs in the early morning sun worked up quite the sweat. Whilst Lena and her dad sampled fresh coconut I sampled fresh co...ke.

After being sufficiently rested we moved onto KL Tower in the blissful serenity of an air-conditioned car. Having been living in the UK (dude, you live in FLIT-where?) and having a few trips to London the idea of visiting a tall building shouldn't really impress me all that much but I think its the needle like appearance, combined with a lack of tall buildings surrounding it that gave it a much more impressive feel. On the observation deck we were able to look out onto the world... well, KL. The height of the tower is impressive, looking across the landscape we were able to see the Petronas Twin Towers (tallest twin towers in the world) and didn't feel like we were equals in height, if anything I felt like we were dwarfing it! The only downside that I could levy against the place was the haze across the city, so many pictures showed vast expanses but these were sadly too murky to be all that amazing.

After 2 rather, vertical, attractions I was feeling like we were calling it a day, imagine my surprise when we rocked up to a wonderfully technicolor looking temple. Like Batu Caves this temple also came touting a wide array of tat for sale. On the journey around it was apparent the place had seen better days but it was still a nice cultural visit that rounded out the day nicely.

Onto dinner! Peking Duck about sums it up! There was a new restaurant in town with a killer deal on a whole duck, who was I to say no. Having never eaten peeking duck properly I was surprised to find that only the crunchy skin is meant to go into the pancake and not the duck flesh itself, live and learn! The meat itself came later cooked to semi-perfection it was a nice way to round off the pancakes & the day :)

So much lag!

After a good start to the holiday with massage the following day hit a bit of snag, the infamous JET LAG! I spent the majority of Saturday in a coma, coming up for air only to tell Lena that I would be skipping dinner :(

Even though sleeping was the flavour of the day I still managed to drag myself out in the morning before I realised that the comfort of the bed was preferable. We trekked out once again to section 17 to feast with Belle & her mum. Having just gotten to Malaysia I have been very open to trying new things, and tiredness on the level of hallucinations was not going to stop that...just yet.

The food on the table today was a mix of favourites (Lena's) and mysteries. Char Kuey Teow was a nice spicy dish that Lena had been dying to have again, its status as awesome was confirmed when both Belle and her mum indulged in the same dish. To round out the meal we had some wanton mee and prawn mee, along with some mysterious meat which had crunchy bits. The meat itself was pretty tasty and quite soft but the crunchy bits failed to add anything, turned out I had just eaten pig ears!

Massage and more... food

Well the first full day had arrived, and in an attempt to beat jet lag we planned on an early start; planned, in reality, turned out to far far far too optimistic.

From a late start we could only muster brunch at a local shop in Section 17 just round the corner from Lena's primary school. As I type this I am urged to inform people that this shop makes the best Char Siew in the world, this being the Malaysian name for BBQ pork belly. After having several chunks I was hastened to agree, although with my limited palette and empty stomach I had a feeling I would say the same of instant noodles.

Following on from the delectable brunch and my growing nonchalance towards the low sanity levels in the outer fringes of KL we retreated back to our home. Upon getting there Jet-lay struck me down! No sooner had I met Lena's oldest friends I was then face down snoring away on the bed.

Several hours later I awoke to find the afternoon had passed me by and we were heading out to pick up another friend and head off for dinner. I can't quite remember if this was my first glimpse of Lena's driving ability, but having her downplay her own ability for over a year I was relieved to find she was good, all the more shame I chose to wear a crash helmet (just in case :) ). Upon retrieving Belle we made our way to hers for a quick wardrobe change where I was drawn into afternoon tea! Jack-fruit, Indian mangos and some preserved mangos were consumed. I found my namesake fruit to be rather kick-ass, so much so I finished the lot, Delicious!

Off to dinner where we had... not quite sure, Lena will have to fill you in. My lack of remembrance may be due to the after dinner activity, MASSAGE! Having never had one before I was warned it may be slightly more painful than relaxing but thankfully the small Malaysian (edit: She was from China, Jack.. -_____-) girl proved no match for my bulky frame. Although the following morning it appeared as though I had been bested as I ached from head to toe, teach me to doubt their massaging power...

Hit the ground eating

Well no sooner had we touched down in Kuala Lumpur (KL) (and gotten through the monotony of immigration) we were on our to our first meal in Malaysia. The entire way over, when both of us were conscious Lena was rattling off all of the dishes she was just DYING to have again. Her hunger was infectious, I found myself starving despite the gourmet food served to us by Qatar airways...

I soon discovered this trip would not only be nutritionally enlightening but also dirt cheap. The one thing that travelling with a native Malaysian (Lena's Malaysian, did I not mention that?) affords you is amazing food at rock bottom prices, well I found it cheap, although the prices are apparently scandalous compared to when Lena was here last.

When we arrived at our dinner location, Ming Tian, I was quickly aware I was the only caucasian person there as well as being the tallest; this was not so much a problem for me and I quickly got used to the staring...

Onto the food! Chicken wings, satay, lamb skewers, friend noodles, clay pot chicken rice (Nga Poh Kai Fan), Rojak, pineapple juice, watermelon juice, starfruit juice. All of this arrived just in time for us to start eating at midnight, apparently a common occurrence. I am very much a fan of Asian food although I have tended to stray away from the more, shall we say, abstract dishes. Tonight proved to be a good introduction with all of the food tasting fantastic, although the jury is still out on whether or not I really like Rojak, only time will tell.

The main dish Lena was keen on getting was the clay pot chicken rice, a favourite of hers. I was advised, and in turn advising whoever reads this, that the best rice is that which is right at the base of the clay pot where it has become crunchy; there in lies a lot of flavour and... crunch I suppose.

Getting there

Before any of the mouth-watering dishes of the far-east can be experienced we have to get there first.

Deciding that flying like cattle is only really an option for short jumps, etsy and I decided on a better option (Qatar, thanks for asking!), with a stop over in the hellishly hot Doha. Whilst this may seem like a seemingly pointless endeavour it does give me the chance to try 2 in-flight meals!

Leaving Heathrow (oh yeah, this story starts in the UK) with some home comforts such as, cheddar cheese, McCoy's, and instant coffee, we headed off to Doha.

I decided that sleeping through the flight was for chumps, I'm paying for this flight so I'm going to experience it! This proved to be a mistake at about the point we landed in Doha. Being led around Doha airport in a semiconscious state, whilst trying to find a time-constrained connection will be something etsy will enjoy levelling against me in the future (she correctly chose to sleep).

Stepping off the plane in Doha was my first taste of the temp/humidity combo that will be assaulting my body over the coming weeks and months, I think I can handle it but time makes fools of us all.

The second leg was far less eventful, as I caught up on the sleep I missed out on in the first leg, but I did successfully wake up for the food!

Foods experienced: In-flight chicken meal with vegetables and mash. Sleep deprived and starving I devoured it with glee! In flight egg/basil/? wrap. It was palatable but I cannot remember for the life of me what the third item was. In-flight sausage meal with pretty much the same set-up as the first flight, you would think these things were mass produced...

The beginning...

Having never blogged before then I have no real idea how to start this... so here goes. I have never left the EU before, and when I took trips they were never more than a couple of weeks. To rectify this I decided to jump head first, flying to south-east asia for 2 and a half months. Where exactly you may ask, Kuala Lumpur is the jumping off point for my visits to other countries.

Over the course of the coming months I will be chronicling my experiences in Asia, but the main focus will be the new foods I consume. I will be seeing a wide variety of places across SE Asia: Malaysia, Singapore, Bali, Thailand, and maybe Vietnam.

Now, on with the trip!